How to Show Your Spouse Love Using Their Love Language

Do you ever feel like you go absolutely crazy, busying yourself and obsessing over showing your spouse love every moment of the day from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep, only to hear your spouse say the dreaded words “you don’t show me love”. I think we’ve all been there a time or two and today I’m excited to share some easy ways to combat that! The thing we’re all missing is love languages! Read on to learn How to Show Your Spouse Love Using Their Love Language.

Before we get into the specifics, it’s important to know what Love Languages are. I’ve mentioned love languages before on the blog, so be sure to check that post for more information! Did you know that we as unique individuals, are receptive to love in specific ways? There are five specific ways one can receive love, and most of us are more receptive to love when presented in one of these five categories in particular.

The Five Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts

For example, if your love language is acts of service, you likely feel more loved when your spouse washes the dishes than when they tell you they like your blouse. Most people also instinctively show love in the way they receive it best (though not always the case). This is where we can run into relationship problems, as your spouse likely doesn’t receive love in the same way you do! If your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation, and you’re doing their laundry instead of commending them on how flawlessly they captured the room during their difficult presentation at work, your spouse likely isn’t feeling very loved.

It’s essential you get this right if you want to show your spouse love! To start, we must know what our spouse’s unique love language is. I recommend both spouses complete the free Love Language quiz to get an initial idea of how you might show up when it comes to receiving and showing love. The key here is to try not to overthink it too much; instead, focus on what your natural instinct is and go with this response! While this provides a great starting point, it’s also important to understand each love language and see which resonates the most with you. For this, I highly recommend reading The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, who created the Love Language concept. It’s a very quick read with simple ideas, so I suggest reading one chapter each night before bed as a couple. You’ll get through it in no time with topics of conversation to have with your spouse, along with a toolbelt of resources for your marriage. Now, let’s get into each love language and some simple ways to show your spouse love using their love language!

Words of Affirmation

Words of Affirmation involve praise from your partner. For someone with Words of Affirmation, he or she feels a spark of love for their spouse after their partner has taken a moment to communicate his or her love, appreciation, and respect for them. Here are a few ways you can show your spouse love using words of affirmation:

• Write him or her a love note and leave it in their work bag
• Send a loving, encouraging text throughout the day
• Compliment him or her when they have put extra intention in their appearance
• Speak “I love you” often
• Share your feelings about them with vulnerability and honesty from the heart
• Avoid insults or criticism when possible
• Communicate specific things you appreciate about your spouse
• Compliment your spouse in front of other people
• When he or she is down, remind them of their strengths and how fondly you see them

Here are some specific phrases to consider using:

• “I love how you…”
• “I couldn’t do x without you”
• “You are so special to me”
• “You are doing such an amazing job and I’m proud to call you mine”
• “Your support in doing x really means so much to me”
• “I can’t believe I get to spend time with you every day”
• “You constantly impress me with how you…”

Quality Time

Quality time involves just that, spending time with your loved one. For someone with Quality Time as his or her love language, nothing speaks more deeply to them than your full, undivided attention. They deeply feel seen, loved, and appreciated by you when they get to spend uninterrupted time with you. Here are a few ways you can show your spouse love using quality time:

• Plan a date to spend time with your spouse
• Ask your partner about their day
• Set a recurring date night
• Start a bucket list of experiences you want to have together
• Complete a puzzle or board game together
• Put your phone away
• Start a habit of daily neighborhood strolls together
• Avoid postponing scheduled time together
• Ask clarifying questions to help truly listen and understand your spouse when they speak
• Show up for them when needed
• Cook or exercise together
• Complete a chore around the house together
• Start dance parties
• Go to bed or wake up at the same time
• Ask your spouse about their childhood memories
• Make eye contact and pay attention to him or her when they speak

Physical Touch

This one seems to be the most obvious to many, but it’s still so important! We’re not just talking about the bedroom here, when we mention physical touch, we mean any thoughtful, intentional touch to your spouse as an expression of love, security, and longing. For someone with Physical Touch as his or her love language, they feel a deep, true connection to their spouse through meaningful touch. Here are a few ways you can show your spouse love using physical touch:

• Caress his or her face as they speak
• Wake up early to spend a few minutes cuddling before you start your day
• Give him or her a hug when you enter the room
• Kiss him or her goodbye and hello
• Hold hands as you walk, and occasionally squeeze to communicate security to them
• When you’re not in the mood for sex, remind your spouse that they’re still sexually desirable and wanted by you
• Put your arm around his or her shoulder or a hand on their thigh when sitting next to each other
• Spontaneous, soft kisses on the temple, forehead, or cheek
• Cuddle as you watch TV together
• Show your spouse love by initiating sex 
• Avoid harsh rejections of touch
• Tuck his or her hair out of their face and behind their ear
• Massage his or her shoulders after a long day
• Squeeze his or her butt as you walk past them
• Gently scratch his or her back
• Let him or her lay with their head in your lap or on your stomach
• Prioritize a 10 second kiss and a 30 second hug each day
• When your spouse is stressed, hold them in an embrace or offer a hand to hold as they vent

Acts of Service

Acts of Service is not the most glamorous of the love languages, but definitely packs a punch in terms of impact! Acts of Service involves easing the burdens and responsibilities that lie on the person. For someone with Acts of Service as his or her love language, they feel deeply loved, seen, and respected when one goes out of their way to serve them. Here are a few ways you can show your spouse love using acts of service:

• “Let me do that for you”
• Bring your spouse a cup of coffee to start his or her day each morning
• Work together to find a balance of shared responsibilities and mental load
• If your partner typically cooks, offer to take one meal per week off their shoulders
• Surprise your spouse by taking his or her car for a wash
• Start completing the chore your partner complains the most about
• “What could I take off your plate today that would be the most meaningful to you?”
• Open doors for him or her
• Tidy his or her bedside table or workspace
• Problem-solve challenges for him or her, such as purchasing a medicine organizer if they take daily medications
• Replace the toilet paper
• Bring him or her a snack when they’re working on a tight deadline
• Take care of him or her when they’re sick
• Avoid laziness
• Take all the laundry to the laundromat to wash all the dirty clothing in your house at once
• “How can I help?”
• Clean their phone
• Treat them to freshly washed sheets before bed

Receiving Gifts

Before we even start chatting about Receiving Gifts, I must support my Receiving Gifts friends and de-bunk the myth that receiving gifts is simply a materialistic idea. It absolutely is not related to materialism, but rather the thoughtfulness and intentionality that comes with finding a gift for someone you love. For someone with Receiving Gifts as his or her love language, they feel loved, cared for, and known when they receive a gift that shows the giver truly took time out of their day to consider them. Here are a few ways you can show your spouse love using gifts:

• Don’t miss birthdays or anniversaries
• Save mementos from date nights such as movie tickets, flower petals, etc. and turn it into a shadow box
• Bring home your spouse’s favorite candy after their long workday
• Surprise him or her with a gift certificate for a massage
• Pick out a favorite photo of the two of you together and place it in a frame for their desk
• Select a personalized necklace with your initials on it
• Take note if he or she mentions anything they’ve been looking at or wanting, and then surprise them with it later
• Make a mixtape or new playlist of songs that remind you of your spouse
• Grab his or her favorite coffee order and place it by the bed for them to wake up to
• Pick up a bottle of your partner’s favorite wine or beer on the way home from work
• Purchase a nice set of sheets for the bed
• Paint a canvas together and hang it in your room
• Ask your spouse what would be meaningful to them, and then make it happen
• When you are apart, send pictures of things that remind you of him or her, to let them know you’re still thinking of them

Conclusion

As you can see, we are such unique individuals that receive love in such different ways! I cannot recommend enough that you make yourself a student to learning all the various aspects of your spouse’s love language. I guarantee your marriage will change for the better if you both prioritize each other in this way! These are just a few of many ideas to show your spouse love using their love language. Tell me in the comments how you’re showing your spouse love using theirs!